Shapeshifter

Characters:


Jenny: Our main character, an EX marine who works as a jail guard and the occasional Russian Mafia Killer.....


Marco: A guy who is part of the Russian Mafia, the shapeshifter is out to get him Shapeshifter sticks his hand through him.

Tyrese: A dude who’s in jail and is annoying as hell. Too bad he didn’t die...

Jimmy: The only white - American guy in jail haha! Gets iron poles through his stomach

Mohammed: A Muslim dude who is stabbed to death by Marco.


Lennard: A big strong, scary lookin’ dude who is real fuckin’ stupid, quite literally has no balls, and has his head crushed by Shapeshifter.

Volku: A guy who is killed by our lovely Shapeshifter...


Eddie: A rather bad actor.....I mean cop.... yeah, cop.... who gets his throat bitten open then is eaten by the Shapeshifter !


The Shapeshifter: Yup, a big hairy demon thing who likes to run around helping the Russian Mafia! Killed in a gas chamber!







Plot:
Umm, well you see, this old Prison is closing and the few remaining people there are now under attack by a big hairy, beastly creature/demon thing that was sent by the Russian Mafia to break one of there fellow Russian’s out Alright, y’all done laughing yet??



Review:
Well not to much to say here, this is simply put a slightly less than average killer monster movie but with some added gore to help make things easier to swallow. Which means that there is alotta gore in here as the Shapeshifter eats everything it can touch The gore is cool to look at for the most part, mostly alotta intestines and blood splatter, the creature would look awesome...... if the f*cking horns on its head would stop f*cking wiggling like it was made out of rubber...wink wink.

The directing is probably one of the only good things about this movie, because it really makes the movie’s budget look a lot higher than it was! The acting is for the most part, laughably bad and awkward, with all the actors doing so bad you just really want them to die.

There really isn’t all to much left to say about this movie, it’s a below average monster movie with gore and really bad rap....... so if you like Scifi Channel originals it might be worth the rent.





Gore:
a guy torn in half, a bit open throat, some guts, a dude ripped in half, a iron pole through one’s stomach, a crushed head, and a lot of blood splatter.

Bodycount: 11

Rating: 2/5





Reviewed by: Ian Berling

Reign Of The Gargoyles

Characters:

Ace: Our main dude one of the Military’s top gunners,

Major Gus: Errm the major, kinda old though, poor dudes whole family died in a bombing, sadly shot to death by Germans.

Major Kim: Haha he has a woman’s name oh, and he’s British, ripped in half by gargoyles.

Duncan: Another British guy, he’s a survivor.

Jake: One of the plane crash survivors, at first I thought they were calling him Chick, but nope its Jake, actually manages to survive even though he was mercilessly beaten and hit with things, including large stones and barrels.

Brack: A British solder who likes blowing stuff up, head cracked open by a falling rock.

Will: not much to know about him, dies when plane crashes.

Nash: A gunner for the plane, is severely wounded by a gargoyle, eaten.

Subject: what a weird nickname, huh, the plane’s navigator. Eaten


Some Other People: Bunch of other people who are characters but there names are never mentioned all die, either shot or eaten.


The Gargoyles: Evil demons who are resurrected to win world war 2 for the Germans, they lose control and now roam free killing everything that movies, for some reason they turn into dust when killed.




Plot:
During War World 2 a group of occultist Nazis try to end the world by resurrecting gargoyles to attack the U.S. but unfortunately for them, they cant control them and the gargoyles get loose and attack the German countryside.




Review:
Well as you can tell the plot sounds pretty original, which it is. But sadly originality cant save a movie... but then again this movie was pretty good by its self. Yes I am not afraid to admit that I really do enjoy Scifi Original movies, and this is one of the better ones, a hell of a lot better Alien Express ever was! The movies plot goes a lot like Primeval, you actually it felt like Primeval but with lots of Gargoyles and it takes place in WWII, except this time I felt it actually worked. Yet as the saying goes, for every good there is an evi.l Yet for this movie the only bad thing is the title Creatures, they do look very fake and CGI, and they don’t really kill off a lot of people, most of the characters are killed off in the war, which means that there is indeed very little gore to be found in this movie.

Now this actually took me by surprise, the Directing is actually pretty good! It looks pretty damn professional! Same with the acting I was rightfully surprised by this as the acting is pretty professional except for a very few people, and they didn’t even have big roles. So yes I was taken by surprise by this weird newish movie, if you liked Primeval or creature Features in general I would Advise you to watch this soon.


Gore:
Now this was a bit of a letdown,
The only gore is a slit throat and some brief blood
Splatter.

‘
T&A:
Nope


Bodycount: 43!!

Overall Rating 4/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Megasnake

Characters:

Lester: Main character, go figure he hates snakes haha, drives ambulances for a living..

Erin: Lester’s girlfriend who wants marriage for some reason, is a park ranger.

Fae: Lester’s partner who is kinda skanky, gets eaten by MEGASNAKE.

The Indian Guy: He’s a main character, and I know they say his name, but I cant remember it haha.

Big Bo: The dumb redneck sheriff who is Erin’s partner. Bleeds To death after getting his arm ripped open by the MEGASNAKE.

Ralph: Stupid guy who is Lester’s brother. Accidentally unleashes MEGASNAKE! Eaten.

Patterson and Ernie: Two dumb, greasy, redneck brothers who really, really like guns! Die in this order, Patterson is eaten, and Ernie has his head crushed, all by MEGASNAKE.

Megasnake: This giant evil snake that grows like hell and likes to eat people. Has stomach sliced open by Lester.



Plot:
Here we go... Alright, there’s a old Indian legend that a giant snake who’s name I have yet to spell right, so I call it megasnake Well anyways the legend turns out to be true and megasnake comes back to life and starts eating rednecks How can the snake be stopped? Why does it eat greasy people? (I heard they tasted like Burger King) Why did I like this movie?



Review:
Well as you all can tell this sounds like every other killer (Place Name Of Animal Here) movie, and well it is, but Damn does this snake look f*cking awesome or what? And the fact that it stars out small and grows while it eats is pretty damn cool The snake mainly swallows people whole so the movie isn’t all to gory but it is pretty cool, and VERY predicable, but at least it was fun, right?


The directing is very ordinary nothing real bad but nothing out of the ordinary. The acting is kinda shitty, with the exception of like the four main characters Sorry there’s not to much of a review here, the movie is just too unoriginal Watch it if ya like killer snakes, or just stupid creature features in general




Gore:
Some gory dead sheep, a ripped up arm,
A cool crushed head, and a decapitation.
Not enough, but it could be worse.


T&A:
None, what did ya
Suspect? A porno??



Bodycount: 20


Overall Rating: 3/5



Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Lake Placid 2

Characters:


Sheriff Riley: the local Sheriff of the town, does not take missing persons reports very seriously, or old people for that matter...

Scott: Sheriff Riley’s son who lives in boston and goes to Maine for the summer... poor dude...

Emma: The sheriffs EX wife, who works for the Fishing and Wildlife department, a survivor!

Kerry: A local on the lake, who, seems way to clean to be living in Maine, Falls for Scott, and lives!

Strutters: A hunter who is out to kill the crocs, decapitated by crocs.

Ahmad: A man who owes his life to Strutters after he saved him from a evil lion, killed by croc.

Thad: A serious hick who is very, very unclean and apparently very rich, an extreme hick, and dumbass, going out with Kerry, well at least he was until he get

Rachel: Holy shit, what the f*ck is wrong with this stupid *ss b*tch? She’s a stupid sk*nky bad actress who is rich and bitchy Damn do I wish her self centered soul to hell! Thank god she gets eaten.

Larry: Stupid guy who is also a bad actor, for some very weird reason goes out with Rachel, eaten.

Crazy Sady: A crazy old lady who lives alone on the lake, likes to feed people to three alligators who live on the lake, eaten.

Frank: The local hippie, and apparently everyone thinks he’s a stoner, Redefines the words “Bad Acting” before he gets eaten by a crocodile.

Dale: The Sheriff’s Deputy, apparently he’s got something against stoners and hippies. Gets his arm ripped off by a crocodile.

Tillman: Frank’s fellow bad actor... errm wait, I think I mean hippie who gets dismembered by large crocodiles who live in Maine.

Max, George Bush JR, and Martha Stuart: Yes These are the names of the three crocodiles... stop laughing I'm serious!!! I never knew crocodiles lived in Maine though...




Plot:
People start disappearing on a small lake in Maine, and as the story goes Three crocodile are the cause of the disappearances. Well the local Sheriff teams up with a hippie, his Ex wife and two hunters to take them out. A party is going on at the lake, which very well could mean a hillbilly Buffet! Can the sheriff save the partygoers? Can he kill the crocodiles? Will I ever get good internet connection?



Review:
The best way to describe this movie is would be calling it a Horror-Comedy which isn’t that funny. This movie actually only has three things in common with Lake Placid. First: it takes place in Maine. Second: there are multiple killer crocodiles in it. And third: there are crazy old ladies in both (even if the one in the First one is much more entertaining). There is really not that much to say about this movie, its unoriginal, its got some O.K. special effects, is kinda funny (there are only two scenes that actually made me laugh.), and for the most part its pretty entertaining.

The directing is really good. It looks like the movies entire budget was spent on the director as everything else was not to cool. The acting is for the most part truly Abysmal, with like three good actors and about 30 horrible actors, it looks like most of these actors were put in there for free as the acting really reeks. Sadly the movie was not very gory but all in all this was a pretty entertaining movie which like most movies, has many ups and many downs.




Gore:
A couple of severed limbs, a decapitation,
And a non gory severed head.


T&A:
It actually looks like there’s some but its
All cut out, seeing that it’s a made for T.V.
Movie.





Body Count: 9

Rating: 3/5
Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Halloween: Resurrection

Characters:

Sarah: The main character, pretty wimpy haha, but survives...

Charlie: A Cameraman for the show, gets a cameras tripod impaled through his throat.

Jennifer: Sarah’s best friend, wants to be famous, a stoner, gets decapitated.

Freddie Harris: Busta Rhymes! The Producer of the show, loves old Kung Fu movies, stabbed but survives.

Jim: A music student who is in the reality show, skull crushed.

Bill: A rather man-wh*rish dude who gets pulled through a mirror then stabbed in the head.... poor Bill.

Rudy: An aspiring chef who joins the show, then impaled on a door with a big f*cking knife, then cooked, in a burning house.

Nora: Freddie’s girlfriend, hung with barbed wire.

Donna: Kinda Goth. woman, seems rather kinky At least until she gets impaled on a fence.

Laurie Strode: Michael’s sister, but ya probably already knew that....right? Survives seven movies, but today is not her lucky day stabbed then thrown off a building before the f*cking opening credits

Michael Myers: Yes, its him. Back to kill....again Poor dude, is beaten with a shovel, hung, chainsawed, stabbed, electrocuted, and burnt, but he wont f*cking die!




Plot:
Michael Myers kills off his sister, Laurie. While a TV producer, Freddie sets up a reality TV show at Mike’s childhood home, but the contestants get more than they asked for when Michael shows up and one by one kills off the cast and crew, Can anyone survive? Will Mike live to kill once more? How many damned sequels will there be?



Review:
This is, to date the 8th Halloween movie (Not including the remake) What’s any different with this one? Well its more of a teen slasher than the other ones, and its not as gory as some of them. But don’t get me wrong, there is some gore but just not a lot. The cool things about this movie is that it has a really fast pace, which means theres a pretty good bodycount and I was rarely bored during it, and if I’m rarely bored, your rarely bored Michael still has a air of fear around him as he stalks and kills off the cast and crew of the TV show. The movie can get very suspenseful at moments. But for the most part it is an above average teen slasher movie and not much more, except for the fact that it decides it kill off long time survivor Laurie Strode in a rather gruesome and quick scene.


Now the directing is pretty good for the most part, there are a couple of scenes that annoyed the hell outta me, mostly when it tried to use the webcams though. The acting is above average, and believe it or not but rapper Busta Rhymes apparently knows how to act, a hell of a lot better than his music at least, all though that’s not saying too much, for you fans of him reading this, don’t yell at me, he’s a cool dude just not a good musician I would watch this movie if you are a horror fan (of any sub-genre) or a slasher fan, no its not perfect, but its pretty damn good



Gore:
A headless body, a thing through one’s throat,
A knife in the head, a impalement, a decapitation,
And a lot of bloody stabbing



T&A:
Well there is a sex scene, but its pretty quick,
And you don’t see any nudity.




Bodycount: 12




Overall rating: 4/5



Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Blood Feast 2 :All U Can Eat

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat

Characters:

Faud Remises The 3rd : The main character, his grampa killed lots of people and ate them Oh and he runs a family owned catering business. Shot to death

Detective Loomis: Myers’s partner, always eating I’m not exaggerating either Acts a bit like myself.

Detective Myers: The anti Faud Remises The 3rd guy who apparently hates him ‘cause his Grampa ate his dad...... Yup, its gonna be a looong movie Head crushed by giant falling statues.

Trixie: Faud’s girlfriend, gets her throat slit.

Tiffany: A girl who’s having a wedding but falls for Faud Remises The 3rd instead, ends up going out with Detective Loomis.

Mr. And Mrs. Lamply: Tiffany’s parents, ones a nerd and the other is a bitchy spoiled woman, guess which is which, Nah really? Die in this order, stabbed, and eyes gouged out.

Bambi Deere, Misty Morning, Lacy Undies, Trixi Treater, Candy Grahm, and Brandi Alexander: the bridesmaids and all lesbians, and all are killed off in VERY gory ways




Plot:
Faud Ramses III , the grandson of Blood Feast's protagonist, moves into his granddad's catering shop. It isn't long before Faud proves to be a chip off the old block, as he lures buxom young women into his lair and carves them up for sandwiches. Will the girls survive? Will Anyone survive ? ? Will I ever watch a good movie?




Review:
Holy Sh*t This movie is great This is the sequel to the cult classic gore film Blood Feast, and I actually belive its better than the first By a f*cking long shot This movie is so very amazingly gory that its just kinda wrong, but its also so damned funny that many times you will question your sanity, after laughing at the many failed murder attempts. And damn is this movie cheesy or what

Here’s a couple of my favorite lines


“Lightening never strikes in the same place twice.... Except For Wisconsin”

“Ouch My Fingers, I swear I’m gonna kill that woman”

“We’re gonna go get some tacos.”
“But What about the sex offenders?”
“ I Need My F*cking Tacos ”

“They just found a woman’s body”
“Aww, sh*t, can we still stop for donuts?”



If you don’t call that cheesy, funny entertainment at its best, I don’t know what the fuck ya would It’s so satisfying, its got everything Gore, cheesy jokes, parodies of lesbian bridesmaids, and gore But now on to something else

The directing here is only average, but actually its not, it was pretty damn good also, Hell, the only bad thing was the acting And yes the acting did suck horribly and yes all the actors were more than likely extremely high while making this film, but it just adds to the cheesy 80's feel this movie has I don’t care who the f*ck you are, this movie is f*cking brilliant If you call yourself a horror fan this is a must, if not stick to your gay PG-13 ghost movies



Gore:
Some intestines, a ripped open throat, a hand through a meat grinder, some very gory guts, brains Pulled out of ones ear , a knife through the stomach, really gory eyes pulled out with a spoon , a Tongue pulled out, a decapitation, some gory brains, a face peeled off, a slit throat, a crushed Head, eyes gouged out, not to mention the extreme amounts of blood squirting every where And Some really gory dead bodies.


T&A:
Well actually while there is a lot of it, it is
Mostly for comedy and making fun of lesbians,
So yeah there is a lot here


Bodycount: 10



Overall Rating: 4.5/5
Almost perfect but.......



Review By: Ian Berling

Alien Express

Alien Express

Characters:

Vick: The Main Character, really likes guns, and really hates aliens, put the two together and to get.... The movies Plot

Rosie: Vicks Ex Wife, A journalist for the senator, does a very bad job helping the senator, also survives.

Ralph: A very cool dude, Vick’s police partner, knows how to drive a helicopter, dies when his helicopter explodes. Poor dude...

Frank Rollings: A very fat Senator who is trying to run for president, he’s lucky it’s not meant literally, as he reminds me of the Pillsbury Duoghboy Eaten by like four of our friendly aliens.

Paul: A very, very horny/evil dude who is trying very hard to get in Rosie’s pants, the worlds biggest fucking wimp Gets eaten.

Phil Lawrence: A old army friend of Pillsbury (Frank), always wears army gear, another lucky survivor

Sam: a worker for the train, who is very nervous about everything, unbelievably survives

Charley: The conductor Of The Train, likes cracking really bad jokes and drinking, has acid splattered all over his face

Robert and Peter: The senators two bodyguards Robert has his chest pulled open, while Peter gets shot then eaten

Rus: A very weird man who cares so much for the environment he tries to kill the senator, Quite possibly gay, blows himself up

Jena: A woman who tries to help Vick by phone.

Scotty: Works for the train, lasts about 10 minutes before getting his face sprayed with acid Then his body is found with his stomach pulled open, not his lucky day, poor Scotty.

The Aliens: Our Friendly, green, small, acid spitting bastards, who hate people, look like a cross between a dog and paper mache`. When killed turn into blue gas





Plot:
Well not to much here, a alien accidently manages to get to earth and hide in a train that’s being taken to Las Vegas from god knows where. Well the alien multiplies and soon a little horde of these Bad Ass alien things are picking off the passengers and crew How will they stop them? What can go wrong? Why do I only have 2 subscribers to my blog?



Review:
Well, the movie starts off with some very cheap “Special” effects in outer space where the bad CGI meteor flies towards a bad CGI Earth in a amazingly Bad CGI scene The meteor hits the ground and kills two people before our alien bastard escapes and plays stowaway in a train that is taking the soon to be president to Las Vegas From there our alien starts killing off very stupid people and hatching eggs inside the bodies. Sooner than you’ll realize at least 10 of these buggers are going around trying to eat and kill as many people (and Lou Diamond Phillips) in a small cramped train. Oh and the train has 58 minutes to stop before they either blow up another train or go over a big cliff, so as you can tell life isn’t going too well for the passengers who are forced to kill the aliens (which turn into blue smoke when killed) in order to survive Well naturally something has to go wrong and people start flipping out on each other

The directing feels very amateurish and plain, but it is a Scifi channel original movie, so wadda you expect? The acting is actually pretty good, with the obvious exception of a couple of background characters. The Special Effects range from “Pretty Cool” to “Christ, That Was Supposed To Be Real”. I feel like I am going a little harsh on this movie as there are a couple of great scenes, but sadly those scenes are far apart and usually pretty quick. So I say, give this a chance if your into scifi/horror stuff and creature features. If not try to skip this one as there is just not enough going for it




Gore:
A gory severed hand, a opened chest, and
A bunch of gory dead bodies... needed a little more gore.



T&A:
None

Bodycount: 13

Rating 2/5



Reviewed By : Ian Berling

(Sorry For The Lack Of Pictures)

Absolute Zero

Absolute Zero

Characters:

David: The Good Guy, head scientist who’s trying to figure out why florida is freezing over.

Brenda: David’s ex, married to Jeff, never swears.

Sophie: Jeff and Brenda’s daughter, really annoying.

Dr. Veet: a greedy little bastard, dose not seem to realize Miami is completely Frozen over and everyone in the State of Florida is Dead Freezes to death.

Jeff: A local Professor, married David’s ex wife, dies when his car flips over.

Philip: A Grad Student who is a big fan of David’s work , a very large nerd, falls to his Death.

A.J.: Another Grad Student who is actually smart, and cool, actually survives

Harchel: David’s friend who is doing research in Antarctica, Kinda looks like a skinny Santa. Freezes to death.

Dempsey: Head Scientist, an asshole, has a funny name, freezes to death.

The Whole Antarctic Base: Everyone Freezes To Death

The State Of Florida: Freezes To Death It really Makes No Sense





Plot:
After A Group of Scientists and Grad Students Find out the truth about the ice age being caused by Earth’s Polarity, it happens Again After Freezing Florida, and turning Canada and Siberia into deserts. All hope seems lost, will our group survive? Will They Be Found? Does anyone Read my Reviews? Two of these questions will be answered One will not.



Review:
Wow The creators of this film must really hate Florida Well anyways this is one weird movie You see, this group containing Two actual Scientists, two Grad Students, and a elementary School teacher believe the Earths Polarity system is going to cause the next ice age. You See in they have four hours to warn people 30 miles north and south of the Equator before it freezes over into the next ice age due to the shifting Polarity systems. As you can tell the plot is ridiculous and stupid yet strangely enough makes sense.
This movie Greatly Suffers from The occasionally horrid acting and some truly Horrible special effects. The Directing is pretty average, nothing out of the ordinary here. Absolute Zero is nothing more than a forgettable, made for T.V. Disaster Flick. Watch it if you into disaster films but if not it’s really not worth it unless its on T.V.



Gore:
Nothing unless you a cool looking Frozen Skeleton.


T&A
None.


Bodycount: The State Of Florida.




Rating: 2.5/5


Review By: Ian Berling