Horror and Metal Cd Reviews!

Camp Fear

2008-03-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

Camp Fear

Characters:

Mark: The easily beaten professor who lacks responsibility and really is not a good teacher, has a mullet (hehe).

Jamie: Mark’s girlfriend and a whiny wanna-be pop rock queen, sadly she lives...

Wendy: nothing to say about her....

Tiffany: A whiny hiker who is kidnaped, drugged and has her throat cut to appease the great lake monster

Ace: The leader of the bikers, the dude accidentally sets The Druid on fire, no I will not explain how, it was too stupid

The Wino: A crazy old drunk who believes that the Mystic Mountains are filled with demons...

Roger: One of the party crashing bikers, not amazingly bright, goes for a swim to get Speedy’s coat and gets eaten by the monster

Speedy: Another one of the bikers, tries to rape Wendy but ends up being eaten by a lake monster.

The Druid: A huge monster of a man who has spent the last 2,000 years sacrificing people to appease the lake monster he worships to keep the end of the world from happining, gets caught on fire...

The Lake Monster: Actually it’s always referred to as a Sea Monster but since it’s in a lake I’ll just blame the script, wierdly enough kills more people that the actual “serial”killer...

Plot:
NOTE: this was taken from the back cover...

Instead of spending their spring break partying in Palm Springs, a group of sorority sisters decide to go camping with their professor. Their sexcapades are broken up when a druid stumble upon the coeds and decide they must be surrendered to the gods in order to avert Judgment Day. While a druid giant (Tiny Ron) builds his own Stonehenge for the sacrificial ceremony, will the campers come up with an escape plan in time?

Review:
Ha, I can’t believe I just sat through that whole mess of a film Camp Fear is not a slasher like the box cover will have you believe, it’s actually a cheesy movie about Y2K (the end of the world on the year 2000), the weirdest part is that it contains giant blue people, Indians, lake monsters, bike gangs, cowboys, Stonehenge, and cheerleaders... yet all of the film takes place in California Yes, as you might’ve expected this low budget trash film is horrible filled with some of the worst dialogue ever heard I mean it’s almost like they were stoned whilst writing this Honestly it’s funny as hell but not in the least bit scary, or gory for that matter. If you wanted to see a gory forgotten slasher flick, this is not it, hell Bambi is gorier All we get here is a fake slit throat I mean how much money is fake blood anyways??? I mean even for a budget of this caliber I would guess there was at least enough money tp buy red paint And the plot, don’t even get me started on the plot Nope, won’t do it, you can’t make me

The directing is for the most part average, nothing out of the ordinary or creative here. The acting sucks, with the wooden actors reading off of damned Que Cards Horrible, the only good thing is the late porn star actress Savannah in a short random shower scene. But honestly, I really can’t recommend this to anyone but the most hardened of the B movie fanatics, and possibly for those looking for a lake monster movie, god knows how hard those are to come by

Gore:
A slit throat and nothing else Pathetic

T&A:
Actually there is a lot of nudity in the beginning, followed by a extremely unsexy sex scene.

Bodycount:4

Final Rating:
1/5
Reviewed By: Ian Berling

FInal Curtain

2008-03-01T14:44:00.002-08:00

Final Curtain

Characters:

Jennifer: The main character, one of the helpers for the play, had a one night stand with Jim, dies when the theater suffers spontaneous combustion

Lawrence: A hobo who lives in the theater, killed by Barry. Played by the director by the way.

Barry: The “main” killer, a weird bald dude, seems nice enough, but murders people whit his weird daughter, killed when the building explodes.

Sanford Ash: The director of the play, had an affair with Jennifer, stabbed to death.

Jim: A actor who seems to be having an affair with about 5 different people, stabbed in the throat with a screwdriver.

Natasha: An experienced actress, had a thing for Sam, killed by a falling light.

Heidi: A young happy woman new to showbiz, but showbiz is not nice to her and she ends up getting her wrists slashed open, but wait, she’s actually not dead but the killer, really dies when the theater explodes... it randomly goes BOOM

Plot:
A troupe of actors are cast in a play that's rumored to be cursed, only to get picked off one by one, is it the curse or are their physco peoples among them?

Review:
Yep, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this atrocity shows up, and it’s horrible This film and all of it’s copies should be cast into the abyss for the Black Dragon to claim waste upon (Dissection fans will thank me for that). Anyways there is nothing good about this film, it sucks to put it simply There is no gore, the acting is horrible, the script...well I don’t really think there was a script to this so no comment there, the directing is.. Well better than anything else in this film and it’s still only mediocre The budget for this...”film” was a mere 6,000$ so I guess it actually could’ve turned out MUCH worse that it did, I’ll warn you now, this will not be a very long review, mainly due more towards the fact that it was only an hour long more than the fact that it sucks.

There really is not to say about this film...

Bodycount:9

Gore: Just some cheap blood, it sucked...

T&A: No

Final Rating: 1/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Left For Dead

2008-03-01T14:44:00.001-08:00

Left For Dead:

Characters:

Tommy: Our main character, not the brightest kid in the world, breaks his leg, god I never knew it could be so funny to watch a cripple get thrown down the stairs! (Yes, he survives though).

Blair: The man who started this whole thing, accidentally kills a man and for that he gets a mactete embedded in his head.

Nancy: Tommy's girlfriend, seems like a nice enough person, a stoner nonetheless but a good person, seems to attract blades, and in this case it seems quite terminal.

Clark: The sex fiend, I mean seriously he had sex with three different people in the movie, that is, before being impaled with a fire poker.

Detective Brakket: Ahh, seems he son is in a coma due Tommy and friends being stupid asses.

The Mask: Our killer, what a nice person hehe, it's too bad so many of the murders were non gory, Tommy must've been pissed about this also, as our killer ended up headless...

Plot:
One year ago a group of friends accidentally kill a thief, or so they thought. Now, one year later on Halloween night, someone is killing off the participants of that brutal slaying and anyone who gets in their way. Is the murders connected to the slaying of the thief? Will anyone survive this bloodbath? It's actually not much of a bloodbath but oh well.

Review:
YAWN! Thats it? All the hype and this is what I get? This is no more than a VERY average slasher film. I mean this typical slasher film has had gotten a rave review from Slasherpool.com, a website I highly respect, and this is what I get for taking his advice? This movie is cheesy and rather stupid ,I mean I think we all could see the twist miles away! I mean really is this all I got? It's a half assed rip off of almost every slasher in existence for god's sake! But, it did not completely suck! Here is a list of the good things and a list of the bad thing to be found in this movie:

GOOD THINGS:
Neck breaking fast pace.
Big bodycount.
Good effects.
Occasionally good directing.
Superb acting.
And lots of Sex!

BAD THINGS:
Unoriginal.
Not in the least bit suspenseful or scary.
Bad twist.
Occasionally half assed acting and directing.
Very goreless!
Very stereotypical characters.

I mean yeah it's got more good things than bad so thats always nice. What surprised me about this movie though is that there is almost no gore! Now normally this would not have bothered me but it had a big bodycount (15 people if I counted correctly), and out of those I'd say maybe 8 of them had any blood in them at all! Well I guess this movie isn't a complete waste, don't let my review screw with your going to see it, it's worth it, but not by a lot. I can gladly recommend this movie to any fan of slasher movies as it is just like every other slasher in existence!

T&A:
There is actually a lot of nudity in it!

Gore:
Some stabbings, a slashed throat, a knife through the stomach, a machete in the head, and a decapitation, not a lot considering the bodycount.

Bodycount:15

Final Score: 3.5

Reviewed by: Ian Berling

House Of Carnage

2008-03-01T14:40:00.000-08:00

House Of Carnage

Characters:

Kelly: The closest thing to a main character we get, gets kidnaped beaten and raped, and the poor chick is brained by her shrink

John Powell: A reporter on the case of murders, not much more to say about this bland character.

The Shrink: Kelly’s shrink, who is a part of the cult, kills Kelly with a hammer....

The Reporter: A young girl who is doing a report for her local news station, beaten to death with a hammer.

The Killers: Three retards, a skinhead and a shrink who kidnap, murder, torture and rape girls, the tards suffer a missing hand and a head crushed, the skinhead is run over, and the shrink roams freely with the two remaining retards (yes the one without the hand survived).

Plot:
This will be short, umm, a cult of people kidnap, murder, torture and rape innocent women, until one decides to fights back... yeah thats pretty much it....

Review:
Hahahaha
Wow, what a pathetic movie It alone managed to have no plot, horrible acting, a horrible script, and just about everything else sucked, but unusually enough, it’s one of the few movies with that budget that can manage to make a watchable film, sure not a actual “good” film but it’s watchable for sure I mean it has some good gore, a few unusual plot twists(notice I didn’t say good plot twists), and a fair amount of nudity and Satanism spewed throughout.

This is really going to be a short review, but then again look at the movie I’m reviewing, it’s the no budget sequel to the equally mediocre film Day Of The Ax (2004), the directing is nothing special and the camera angles bugged me on occasion, and I hated the annoying cheap filter they added to the film to make it look like the film had been damaged ( I mean physically damaged), the “acting” is for the most part horrible, except for a few believable scenes from our main actress Sybl something... I forgot her last name, damn. Oh well, if you enjoyed the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and don’t mind seeing a blatant rip-off with an even lower budget and a worse director, check it out, although many people have seen to hate this film a lot more than I do

Gore:
A couple of fingers chopped off, a severed head, a hand chopped off, a severed foot, some fake stabbings, and not a lot more.

T&A:
Some quick tit flashes in the beginning, but not a lot.

Bodycount:
13

Final Rating:
2/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled

2008-03-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled

Characters:

Lisa: Our main character, and rather a whore, lived with a guy for 3 years without marrying him before falling in a trap from a evil love struck Djinn

Sam: Lisa’s boyfriend and a cripple, regains the ability to walk, but still dies while trying to save Lisa... that sword killed alotta people.

Tracy and Jennifer: Lisa’s co workers, die in this following order, death by uber orgasm, and decapitated

Steven: Dies pretty early, damn lawyer, has his face peeled off and his identity is stolen by the Wishmaster.

The Avenger: Out to kill Lisa so she won’t make any more wishes, goes around with a big sword shopping people up Killed by the Wishmaster...

The Wishmaster: A creepy demon/Djinn thing that loves Lisa, puts her though hell and back, literally haha, suffers a big sword in the stomach.

Plot:
A woman gets bought a ornamental box which breaks, exposing a jewel that unleashes the Djinn, a demon that’ll grant your deepest desires, for your soul The demon lies, cheats, tortures and kills everyone that keeps him from making the the wishes so he can bring back his condemned race of evil doers and murderers Will Lisa be able to save the world? Will Sam ever be able to walk? Will I watch the first three movies?

Review:
Well, this was pretty fun, sure it was kinda stupid and cheesy but damn, it was entertaining for sure This movie has some really cool gore in it as well as the awe inspiring makeup effects of the Djinn, even if the horns tend to look rubbery and wiggly every ow and then It does run slower than usual and there is a rather low bodycount in thins here film and the last 30 minutes felt more like a Fantasy movie than anything else. But since I have seen tons worse movie out there I can’t really give this a bad review, actually I can’t really give this a lot of a review seeing as there wasn’t a lot of plot in the movie, just the same as in the other three movies more or less.

The Directing is a mixed bag with the movie turning from cheesy to watch-able constantly The acting for the most part is pretty good, with the usual exception of a few bit characters of course
So I would probably recommend this for anyone into demon movies, or anyone that just wants to watch a fun, gory, cheesy movie, it’s definitely worth the time

Gore:
a face peeled off, a tongue pulled off, a nose cut off, a decapitation, a impalement, a sword in the stomach, blood splatter and more Very good

T&A:
Two brief sex scenes and a little bit of nudity.

Bodycount: 7

Rating:
3/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Primeval

2008-03-01T14:38:00.001-08:00

Primeval

Characters:

Tim: Our main character, the leader and head reporter for the news place he works at, forced to go due to him screwing up a news report and ends up shot, stabbed, beaten and nearly eaten
(There is a homage to Gorerotted in that last sentence)

Aviva: ha, weird name, but I nice person who manages to end up shooting people stabbing people, setting up elaborite traps and dumping Croc sperm on people, it was her idea to go to the damned place in the first place

Matt: A croc expert and not the brightest person I’ve ever seen, poor dude, hit by a car then shot

Green: A old man who is hired as a guide, eaten by Gustav.

Jo-Jo: A local African who is trying to learn english so he can go to America, seems to be a good shot, now I was pretty sure this dude was dead for a while, but my was I surprised when I see him moving around in the fucking jeep, then on a plane to America, this dude’s got it lucky, although he was shot...

Steven: A black reporter who has some great lines in the movie and is good for a few laughs, but still winds up dead with a missing arm

The Guards: Aoko and the other guy, in order Aoko was dismembered and the other dude was shot by Jo-Jo...

Gustav (The dude): A mean bastard if there ever was one, seems to enjoy slaughtering families, ripped in half then has his head popped like a grape, quite fun it was

Gustav (The Croc): One bigass mother of a Croc, his here to eat people and when he gets the chance he damn right does his job, too bad he was more of a subplot then the most important character in the movie

Plot:
Hmm, a group of people try to stay alive in Africa while shooting a documentary about a 25 foot killer crocodile, the croc seems to have other plans though, and dinner seems to be one of them Will anyone survive this creatures reign of terror? Will anyone actually get killed by the croc? Why do you love me?

Review:
Apparently inspired by a true croc killer of sorts, this little flick starts off promisingly with a cool yet mildly cheesy and mostly off screen croc attack, sadly this got our hopes up for a killer croc movie. This turned out to be a of action movie with a killer crocodile thrown in it for good measure. Hell this movie really should’ve made up its mind on what it wanted to me, was it a killer croc movie, a action movie, or as the previews suggest, a slasher? Well it’s not a slasher, thats for sure Yes the preview is very misleading, If you were expecting a killer crocodile movie, you will be at least mildly disappointed, and if you somehow managed to figure out it was a dull action flick then you got it Alright then now that we got past that lets take a look at this ever genre changing beast of a movie, shall we? It is quite a fun movie to watch and is never really boring, so thats always a plus I personally thought the special effects were awesome I have no idea what everyone was bitching about, besides a few minor scenes in the earlier part of the film.
Sure the dialogue was less than average, and the plot was weird as hell. And that whole thing with the dog was unneeded and unnecessary, to say the least And it really lacked gore, that was one of the main things that bugged me. The gore is ALL from the croc and he only kills like 5 or 6 people, and half of those were off screen kills But what we did get was quite gruesome and brutal though, such as Greene’s death, and Gustav’s death and particular

The directing is awe-inspiring and very relaxing for the eyes as I thought it really showed off the more beautiful side of Africa. The acting was pretty good for most parts, although there were a few moments for everyone where the dialogue seemed forced. I can recommend this film for Creature Feature fans and I can see the fans of Sci-Fi channel having a blast with this

Gore:
a decapitation, a severed leg, a guy ripped in half, a crushed head, and not a lot more.

T&A:
Absolutely nothing

Bodycount:
25

Final Rating: 3/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Heart Stopper

2008-03-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

Heart Stopper

Characters:

Sarah: Our MAIN character, seems to be called a slut often and tries to kill herself by jumping in front of a car, that didn’t work though and she ends up befriending a stab victim and chased by a serial killer

Walter: One of the main characters, and one of the few survivors, nearly dies on multiple occasions

The Sheriff: A nice enough dude, captured John but ends up with his heart ripped out.

Denise Grafton: The head nurse, seems to want to die, and gets her wish whilst being beaten with a lead pipe

Doctor Drayis: A surgeon and one of the few remaining doctors at the hospital, has multiple holes pumped into his head

John Chambers: Yes our satanic killer, kills people by pulling out their hearts and sending them to Satan, killed in a giant tornado

Plot:
After a failed suicide attempt young Sarah wakes up in a hospital that is under attack by un-dead satanic serial killer John Chambers, with a serial killer on the loose the members of the closing hospital must teem together and fight back or die trying

Review:
This was a surprise This is a fairly entertaining slasher movie that has the feel and stench of the 80's all over it It is gorefilled, funny, entertaining, and worth a good rent It took long enough for a slasher not to use a twist ending and there was not one in here. Your never really bored throughout the film although the last half hour seems to drag a bit, I mean they did kill off almost all of the characters by the hour mark. But while it may be fun it is a very forgettable film and I can say that you will have forgotten most of it by the time you are done watching it

The directing is fairly good, really brings on the 80's feel and uses some interesting angles. The acting is fairly good as well, with good acting from all of the main characters and Robert Englund, although the rest of the characters seem to be lacking. This is one of my shortest reviews yet and I can still clearly understand why. Heart Stopper is a fun and enjoyable slasher movie but it is rather generic and forgettable. I would recommend this movie a good rental for all slasher fanatics I wouldn’t buy it as I can see that it’s not something I would watch more than once...

Gore:
a lot of gory hearts pulled out, a stomach pulled open, a needle in the eye, slashed face, and some blood splatter. Pretty good stuff.

T&A:
Nothing here.

Bodycount:
15

Final rating:
3/5

Reviewed by: Ian Berling

Grim Reaper

2008-03-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Grim Reaper

Characters:

Rachel: Our main character and a stripper who was hit by a car and stalked by death

Liam: Rachel’s boyfriend and a medical student, makes a unnerving amount of jokes about what he learned in anatomy class...

Nick: One of the smarter patients, tries to escape, befriending Rachel in the process, chopped in half by the Reaper.

Peter: A drug addict, of which type I don’t know, yeah he is a druggie and thats all we get to know about him before he dies

Tia: Likes to cut herself, she calls it a cry for attention, electrocutes herself ‘cause she is a tard like that.

Stewart: Rarely speaks, but he can draw pretty good. Has lots of sticks/paint brushes impaled in his head....

Katie: A rather bitchy red-headed woman who was blinded when her boyfriend poured acid in her eyes, decapitated, offscreen though........

The Doctor: Made a deal with the devil and is now forced to collect the people who should be dead so that the Grim Reaper can harvest their souls, shot by Liam

The Grim Reaper: Yeah, kills peoples with his scythe, uhh is somehow momentarily “stopped” by being drawn out to sunlight in a church....yes I meant that, stop laughing, I know it hard to believe, trust me

Plot:
Hmm, well there is the grim reaper, teens, a crazy doctor who sold his soul to save him from cancer, churches, and a unclothed grim reaper, no don’t make me actually explain what is going on in the film, please I refuse I don’t wanna

Review:
Ouch, this movie hurt me, not physically, but mentally It is so damned confusing that I had no clue what was going on in most of the film, I mean the actual plot description barely even tells you what the movie is about. The characters are unoriginal and for he most part you really don’r care if they live or die, they are just there to raise the bodycount above the small limits it had in the first place, not to mention all the characters save the two main ones and the Grim Reaper are dead by the time the movie was 1 hour in Which leads me to my next complaint, without opening or ending credits the movie is barely 70 minutes long, the grim reaper is actually very cheesy looking and doesn’t even feel supernatural, he just felt like the average person in a rather poor Halloween costume And don’t you even get me started on the gore, there is one good gore scene, and thats Nick’s death, the rest are very badly done and for the most part are rather fake and cheesily pulled off I bought the movie used for 4$ at a garage sale and the dude I bought it from looked genuinely happy that I bought it, I guess I’m a sucker for cool covers Ah well....

The directing goes from mildly cool to badly pulled off and very cheesy, filled with weird and unneeded angles but at least there was no zooms I just hate it when people zoom in on things during movies The acting is pretty bad with two Ok performances from the two main characters and everyone else doing VERY unconvincing jobs as the dialogue felt forced and badly delivered I can’t really recommend this to anyone, maybe the diehard slasher fans as they are probably the only guys who can handle thins movie without trying to smash the TV open

Gore:
two impalements, some sticks jammed into ones face, a dude chopped in half, and not a lot more...

T&A:
Nope

Bodycount:
9

Final Rating: 1/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Frailty

2008-03-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

Frailty

Characters:

Fenton: When a kid was forced to watch his dad murder people in non gory ways, in the end takes Adam’s identity

Adam: Fenton’s little brother, commits suicide, when little was also forced to watch his dad kill dudes, but he seemed to enjoy it more....

Agent Wesley: A FBI agent that killed his mother, killed by Fenton

The Sheriff: The sheriff when Adam and Fenton were kids, killed by dad.

Dad: Yes, the murderer father of Fenton and Adam, kills people he believes are demons, suffers a axe in the chest VIA Fenton...

The “Demons”: Just seemingly random people who have done nothing wrong, seen as demons and killed for it.

Plot:
A serial killer dubbed “God’s Hands” is killing off people and forcing his two young sons to watch and partake, but these murders may or may not be actual demon slayings, now years later. One of the sons commits suicide and the other one ends up re-tracing his fathers footsteps, forced to kill people he believes are demons. Are these demons real? Will God’s Hand ever be stopped? Will I ever figure out exactly if this movie was even a horror movie? ?

Review:
This was truly a weird one, filled with twists and turns, but sadly it turned out to be more of a mystery/thriller than the slasher I hoped it to be. As you’ve read the plot is pretty original, at least I have yet to see another movie like it. IT has some truly cool moments and can be very brutal at times, but these time are way to far to keep your interested in the film, most of the film revolves in the past with Fenton slowly going crazy, ending with the death of his father. This leaves a lot to be desired as only three of the kills out of the 11 that are killed are on-screen So this is an extremely bloodless movie, with the only on-screen gore action is a rather bloodless but rather brutal scene where Fenton drives an axe into the chest of the maddened father, hell there are three murders with any blood in them at all, and our killer only committed one of them, with the only other scenes to watch for are a rather fake looking slit throat and some brutal but mostly off-screen stabbings at the end of the film, actually I don’t think there was more then a drop of bloodshed until the hour mark Ah well, there are a few good things about the movie though, like the original and rather brilliant plot, an angel coming to a man in his dreams and telling him to kill certain people that may or may not be demons. And you never really get to know until the tail end of the film, which really keeps you on the edge of your seat. As I might’ve mentioned earlier while most of the deaths are bloodless a few are rather brutal, including the old woman’s stabbing scene, the sheriff’s death and the fathers death, just to name a few, the whole movie has a overwhelming sense of brutality and insanity, and you can really feel for the kids and what they are put through

The directing is actually not really good, Bill Paxton rarely tries any new/imaginative/original angles, hell he barley does more then just pan around but at least there is no cheesy/shitty zooming in sequences. And the acting is one of the best things about the film as everyone of the actors managed to pull off a very realistic portrayal of their characters. If not for the annoying and sometimes fake sounding southern accents the acting would’ve been brilliant I can’t really recommend this to to many people, maybe if you are looking for a different and mildly unique slasher/mystery/thriller you could give it a try, but it really is not much of a horror movie

Gore:
A rather bloodless axe in the chest, a slit throat, and nothing else, very dry, needed more gore

T&A:
Nope hehe....

Bodycount:
11

Final Rating: 3/5
Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Dark Fields

2008-03-01T14:27:00.002-08:00

Dark Fields

Characters:

Taylor: Grr Our main character, not much else to say, seems pretty skanky though....

Andrew: Everyone seems to hate this kid, they blame everything on him, and well yeah, they just hate his ass, and he just seems to disappear after about 20 minutes into the movie....

Josh: A annoying asshole and a jock. Has sex with Taylor before getting stabbed with something. He is a asshole just so ya know...

Justine: SLUT Heh, now thats that is done with this whiney bitch pretty much whines and tries to have sex with nearly everyone on the set (It is a farm and that includes the horses). Ahh Die please

Zack: Probably one of the stupidest people ever to be in a movie Sticks his hand in sharp farm machinery and dares people to turn it on, and when the killer finally does, instead of getting his had out of there he sticks it farther in, fucking dumbass to the extreme

The Killer: Ugh, that sucked, he kills a total of like 4 people, and fucking half of that is off screen, with the other TWO yes there were two on screen killings, not including the killers pansy assed death, who is killed by a fucking staple gun ?

Plot:
Aww, shit Fuck you I don’t wanna You can’t make me asshole Actually its got a bunch of fucking annoying assholes running around screaming a whining for about a hour and a half, pretty fucking bad actually......

Review:
Finally A movie so amazingly horrible and stupid that I can seriously take some anger out on Now this piece of shit called “film work” is one of the absolute worst things to ever cross my eyes This “movie” makes such shits such as Santa Claws and Grim Reaper look amazing I have never seen a movie before where I’ve hated every single character. They are all annoying, whiney, bitchy “highschoolers” who you really want to die Speaking of dying, the kills are so fucking pathetic that it’s funny And damn there were tons of plot holes I mean they all just seemed to forget about Andrew as soon as they go looking for him and end up having sex (off-screen of course) and there are some horrible errors with the movie I mean there are multiple scenes where you can see the camera mans reflection in car doors and stuff, you get to not only see the mic but the hands of the guy who was holding it And I caught ALL of the actors staring straight at the camera All the on-screen kills are very badly done, and the script, I’ve never known a serious person to say “Gee Willies” I mean they are literally insulting my intelligence, which I am starting to judge, how the hell could I buy this trash movie? Ahh I’m so angry right now, I guess the artwork/cover of the film was the only good thing about it What the hell??

Then the directing The inept director is fucking stupid as hell Never once uses a actual good angel for his camera, besides the fact that I could very well find a better camera for 20$ at Salvation Army The acting is just as abysmal With all of the actors badly delivering there lines and just pissing me off I refuse to say anything else about this waste of money ( I spent 20$ on this shit ) Just stay the fuck away

Gore:
I fucking wish

T&A:
Haha Nope

Bodycount:
5
(Yes only five assholes dies)

Final Rating: 0/5
(Almost went into the negatives)

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues

2008-03-01T14:27:00.001-08:00

The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues

Characters:

Ted Stephens: Our main character, the average 50's man, you know, with the slicked back hair and all...

Bill Grant: The local sheriff, very, very stupid

Lois: The professor’s daughter, kinda pretty, rather disturbing that she’s probably in her 70's now, either way she’s rather dumb...

George: The scheming Professors assistant, is the true cause of all evil badness in the movie, kills Ethel before being caught and put in jail with a scary large man named “Tiny”, I truly hopes he won’t drop the soap...

Professor King: An older man and oceanographer, finds a uranium pit on the ocean floor and accidentally creates a monster with it Killed himself as well as the minster with some nice good Old Fashioned dynamite

Ethel: A older secretary, trying to help out with the recent murders and ends up becoming one instead.

The Monster: Hahahaha Attack of the rubber suit Not all too much of a monster, gets barley any on screen time and only causes three deaths Last seen blown up with dynamite.

Plot:
Well, you see, this professor and oceanographer finds a rare untapped uranium mine and bends it’s powers to his will, which magically creates a part fish and rubber suit monster that starts scaring up the locals, meanwhile the professor’s assistant see’s that this could become a handy weapon and potential money maker, so he plots against the professor while the monster scares up more people and kills a whole two people

Review:
Haha Well this is quite an enjoyable movie Sure not a very good one, or a scary one or a gory one either, but all in all it’s pretty fun The movie’s plot is nice and cheesy, and filled with so many plot-holes that I’m surprised that I didn’t fall in one You see this guy in a rubber suit, wait thats not right.... Ok, let me try again, this monster is created through some weird and unusually confusing manner involving a store of uranium and a bad light. The “monster” rarely appears on-screen and for most of the time is really funny and awkward looking, I feel sorry for whoever they dragged into doing that Well the rest of the movie goes around in a mildly entertaining manner as we get to watch the characters be stupid and random... Until the end where the monster is blown up.... yeah.....

While the directing is pretty good for the most part back in those days at least. The acting is pretty fun also, the guys do a pretty good job for a cheesy 50's movie, I am surprised that that these guys didn’t appear in more films.... but I believe that I am going to have to end this review early, seeing as I gots to review at least two more movies tonight

I believe that that anyone who wants to see something a little out of the ordinary should watch this as well as fans of B-cinema and the classic 50's monster movies

Gore:
Nothing worth mentioning here....

T&A:
Nah, not in the 50's.

Bodycount: 3 and a monster

Final Rating: 2/5

Reviewed by: Ian Berling

Santa Claws

2008-03-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

Santa Claws

Characters:

Raven: A nice soft-core porn actress, is trying to balance two kids, her job, her falling apart marriage, and her stalker neighbor

Laura: A local porn actress, suffers from a rare case of sharp hand rake syndrome.....

Wayne: A young, disturbed dude who is stalking Raven, creepy dude, killed his parents when he was little... Hit in the stomach with a hand rake by Raven.

The Husband: I don’t think hey ever say his name, but he is a very important character, nearly dies after being assaulted my “Santa”......

Santa: Yeah, Wayne’s alter ego kinda thing, kills people with a hand rake, until he is killed with the same rake.

Plot:
Well, you see, Raven is a struggling up and coming actress who finds herself as well as anyone associated with her in grave peril after finding her fellow “workers” dead and dying, killed by her screwed up stalker neighbor Will Raven make it out alive? Will she be able to save her family and friends? Will I ever watch a decent movie??

Review:
Hahaha Wow, what a name Santa Claws Hahaha Ah, well. This seems to be a pretty cheap movie right here, it’s sad to see that the writer of Night Of The Living Dead, has come down to cheap, bloodless, no budget, wannabe slashers. It’s just too cheap and corny to take seriously, and too boring to take it as a Horror-Comedy It’s too bad, the plot seemed actually good, but the bodycount is just to low to keep things entertaining for us, the viewers, and you have the fact that the movie feels like it was only made as an excuse (a bad one) to show naked scream queens, but it can’t be considered as anything besides horror because there’s not enough nudity to call it a skin flick, and there’s not enough intentional humor to call it a comedy(but, trust me, it is funny as hell), and not enough focus on anything besides the crazy stalker to call it anything besides horror I guess I can call it horror, although mainly due to the fact that people wasted money on this, piece of shit

While it may seem that I really hate this movie, I don’t it has it’s good points, but many more bad points, I mean the acting is pretty good, yeah it’s a stretch, but if ya really pay attention (something I don’t recommend) you can see that the cast is really trying As for the directing, I do feel sorry for the fact that the great writer from Night of The Living Dead tried to direct, as it seems he is only good at writing, but I believe he learned his lesson with this mockery of film making. But, if you really want to see it, go ahead, it’s not something I’m planning on ever watching again, but you really want to watch it, just try not to be upset, as for it should only be seen by true slasher fans, due to the fact that for anyone else, it might be too bad for the inexperienced to handle

Gore:
Ha Nothing besides some non-gory hand rake action.

T&A:
There is a lot of nudity for this type of film, so don’t watch it with your girlfriend, unless she won’t be offended by it

Final Rating: 1.5/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Hunters Blood

2008-03-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

Hunters Blood

Characters:

David: The main character, a weird guy and a doctor, dislikes hillbillies

Melenie: David’s bed buddy (girlfriend), comes up to meet him, but gets kidnaped instead.

Ralph: Al’s brother, and a drunk, shot by the hillbillies.

Al: David’s uncle, mad rich, and owns the forest

Marty: A first time hunter, really annoying city boy but he grows on ya,

Mason: David’s father, a older dude, but a real badass Shot but survives, yeah, after two days of walking aimlessly in some grossly dirty woods with a large shotgun wound, it did’nt get infected? And the extreme blood loss seemed not to effect him either.... strange.....

The cops: Two half ass forest rangers, both are shot....

The Hillbillies: A little clan of evil, back water maniacs Most are either shot or stabbed.

Summary:
Why am I the only one who has ever heard of this film? Anyways, a group of 5 friends go out for a week of hunting, and accidentally upset a clan of evil, anti-shower, greasy, angry, and drunk cannibalistic hillbillies Will the friends make it out alive? Will they get there rightful revenge against the Hillbilly menace? Will I ever watch this again??

Review:
Wow I was not expecting this at all This little unknown movie really was good It looked like the cast and crew really put there heart into making this, and it really shows This is way better than the usual shit released back in ‘87 Now to put it simply this was a mix of Deliverance, Rambo, and throw in a little bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the mind of a bored 14 year old reviewer and you got a great movie As another plus, this one has a budget and was not Shot on Video Now there are a few things I should mention, such as the film took over 50 minutes to get going, but when it did.... damn did it go With just enough moments of suspense, violence, and soul these guys managed to make a unusually haunting trip to the deep, and dark recesses of the deep south

Now for the directing, there is not too much unusual, but no unflattering angels and our kind director does manage to make it look more high budget than it was. And the acting is great, and beautifully well done and for the most part realistically done and quite entertaining For any fans of Horror, or Action, or Deliverance or anything along those lines, please do yourselves a favor and please check this movie out

Gore:
A gory dead body, a severed head, a knife in the throat, a head blown in half, and a impalement.

T&A:
Nope, even though there are some hints of rape throughout....

Final Rating: 4.5/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Evil Ed

2008-03-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

Evil Ed

Characters:

Ed:

Emmy: Ed’s daughter, more to say about Emmy.....Oh its her birthday

Mark: A film boy and local horror junkie, in a crazy accident turns out survivng being brutally beaten, stabbed, and falling through a roof.... kills Ed

Mark’s Girlfrien: She’s a main character, but they like never say her name, whatever, impaled but survives....

Sam Campbell: A pissed off, mean movie director, neck snapped by Eddie

The Colonel: Yeah, this army dude that tries to kill Ed, shot

Summary:
Well, a film editor goes crazy after trying (badly) to edit the gore out of the horrible Loose Limbs horror series And Ed our mild mannered film editor, slowly goes crazy from the sheer disgustingness of the Loose Libs series, driving him to kill mercilessly You have no idea how hard I was laughing when I wrote this

Review:
This has to be the one of the weirdest slashers I’ve seen in a while I mean come on, a guy going insane and killing people due to some really fake gore effects, eh, it’s just simply unbelievable The budget feels rather low and the overall feeling to the movie is cheap and cheesy. It’s got some funnier moments and it really shouldn’t be taken seriously, otherwise you’ll end up hating it

The Acting is pretty bad, but I am starting to suspect that it might’ve been dubbed over, ah, well.
The Directing was pretty bad as well but I’ve still seen worse I’m writing a very short review for a reason, theres just not a lot to talk about It’s just your average, low budget slasher-comedy The only real reason anyone should watch it is for the amazingly weird half hour that’ll leaving you laughing your ass off while trying to figure out what’s going on

Gore:
A severed head, a foot chopped off, a impalement, a hand off, a arm blown off, a head shot in half, and some blood splatter.

T&A:
A little in the beginning, but not much more...

Final Rating: 2/5 (not a good week for me)

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Dracula 3000

2008-03-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Dracula 3000

Characters:

Abraham Van Helsing: Yeah, the main character, NOT Haha Annoying wannabe army guy and the captain, stabbed with a broken pool stick after becoming a vampire.

Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood: a smart dude, and a cripple, gets annoying and Emo towards the end, stabbed to death with a crucifix

Mina Murray: A collage student, and intern on the flight team, we never find out what happened to her, never became a vampire, but was attacked and apparently killed by Coolio the vampire.

Reginald “Humvee” Parker: Yeah, a big strong, angry and racist black guy, seems to be pretty stupid as well.... Blown up when the ship explodes.....

Fransisco “187 Brett: Stoner Stoner, stoner, stoner and its Coolio Weird man, used to be really smart, until he found pot.... manages to wake up evil vampires on a space ship Impaled through the stomach with a pool stick.

Aurora Ash: Bitch She should really learn when to shut the hell up Apparently vampires are attracted to her... kinda turns out to be a robot, and blows up also....

Dracula: Yeah, only in like 3 minutes of the movie strangely enough, Blown up by the sun....

Summary:
Yes, it has come true Dracula in space I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment (Yes, I am a sarcastic asshole). Anyways, a group of space salvagers find a abandoned space ship slowly drifting towards earth. And it turns out this ship is owned by Dracula While the crew is slowly being killed off or turned into a vampire themselves, they also have to find a way to kill him off for good

Review:
Well, what can I say? Dracula in space?? It sounded to good to be true, and It was Dracula is a rather unneeded addition to the alreadly suffering Vampire sub-genre. Hell, the only good thing about it was the fact that I was never bored during the movie. Now this movie must have some screwed up vampires, I mean they have to have a wooden stake driven through the heart right? Well, if so these guys got some weird ass hearts, I mean, take the captain’s death for example, he was stabbed in the back with a wooden pool stick Now normally this wouldn’t be such a problem, but he was stabbed in the waistline area Not near the chest, but the waist Yeah Not to much more to say about this waste of a budget....but....

The directing is pretty amateurish and unflattering to the extreme, and the amazingly cheesy and fake effects used for the space ship is horrible as well. As for the acting, Casper Van Dien is as usual hamming it up on the screen, and Coolio was just abysmal man Anyways as I have already stated, there is no need to have to watch this movie unless you’re either a die hard Vampire fan or a Coolio fan (anyone?).

Gore:
A impalement, some stabbings, a arm cut off, and some blood splatter...

Bodycount: 8

T&A:
Nothing here...

Final Rating: 1.5/5

Reviewed By:Ian Berling

Sledgehammer

2008-03-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

Sledgehammer

Characters:

Chuck: The buff jock of the group, hmm, more to say about chuck.......

Joni: Chuck’s girlfriend..... yup thats it.

John: Large guy who eats like anything in like a second, gets stabbed in the back.

Mary: John’s girlfriend, dos’nt like John all to much. Stabbed.

Jimmy: The bad ass drunk of the group, hit in the chest with a sledge hammer.

Carol: Jimmy’s girlfriend kinda whore-ish, neck gets broken.

Joey: The prankster of the group, stabbed in the throat.

The Killer: Yeah our friendly killer, only uses the sledge hammer twice Oh and he’s a ghost, and he gets his head crushed.....

Plot:
A group of old friends get together at an old cabin in the middle of the forest, it turns out the cabin is haunted by the murderous ghost of a killer who killed his mom and her lover with a sledge hammer. Soon the teens are picked off one by one. Who will survive? Is it a real ghost? Why don’t I have a life?

Review:
Well this is an extremely hard to find movie. I think I might have found out why..... Anyways well now that you’ve got the plot, it’s a really weird movie. It looks cheap its really stupid the “actors” can’t “act” but..... it still is good old fashioned slasher cheese You see the background music is so irritating that you just either want to break your T.V. or you laugh like hell This movie is almost impossible to find and I know why But it is still a fun movie to watch even if it sucks really, really badly I don’t know if I hated it or loved it, but I am really stuck with that so I am gonna continue with the review here. I have just realized how lucky I am to have this as it will probably never get to see a DVD release Cool I worst thing about this the fact that only 4 people were killed with the actual Sledge Hammer The rest were just stabbed

The directing was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as the acting God damn That was some of the funniest acting I have seen in a long time

I would recommend you get this if you can find it for sale Its worth it..well for the most part....

Gore:
A crushed head, a knife in the throat, a knife in the back, some blood splatter.

T&A:
Nahhh......

Bodycount:7

Rating: 2.5/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Scream 2

2008-03-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

Scream 2

Characters:

Sydney: Our main character, kinda weird, very negative.

Derrick: Sydney’s boyfriend, shot.... dies.

Randy: A huge horror movie fan (Like myself), sadly he is stabbed to death.... poor Randy.

Dewy: A cop who saved a couple of people before,

Cotton: Sydney wrongly accused him and sent him to jail,

CC.: A collage student who does not add to much to the plot, stabbed and thrown off a building.

Gale: A reporter who had saved Sydney’s life.

Mrs. Loomis: Billy’s mom, a physco motha fucker Shot by like four different people

Micky: I crazy dude who is shot like 100 times Hahahah

The Killer: Too bad he only uses a knife......shot.

Plot:
A copycat killer decides to copy the killings done by Billy Loomis, and what’s better than killing the survivors from Billy’s ,massacre? As the teens at a local collage are picked off one by one who will survive? Who is the killer? Why was this movie so un-gory?

Review:
Yes, I decided to finally review the sequel to the movie that started one of my favorite slasher waves, Scream. And is it as good as the original? No but pretty damn close This movie has it all Suspense, good characters, great directing, a good cast, so why isn’t it as good as the original? Simple It lacked the gore that the first one had (even if that wasn’t a lot) Yes this movie is full of non gory killings In fact I think there was only one scene of gore in the film The rest was just a lot of messy blood splatter But it also had a great pace, good twists that I didn’t see coming and a pretty good bodycount so lets movie on

Th directing is great for the most part, filled to the top with beautifully shot scenes, and builds up a great level of suspense The acting is equally stuffed with greatness as the actors all really fit the parts they got

I believe this film MUST be watched by all fans of film, horror or not

(Sorry it was so short)

Gore:
A slit throat, a pole through ones head,
And a lot of blood splatter and stabbings.

T&A:
NO

Bodycount:10

Final Rating: 4.5/5

Reviewed by: Ian Berling (Who else?)

Reality Kills

2008-03-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Reality Kills

Characters:

Charolette: The main character, kinda stupid, kinda white trash, shot by The Crash

Steve A.K.A.“The Crash”: This annoying white trash dude, that says some fun stuff, is racist, but survives...

Serendipity: A rather stupid whore-ish woman who shoots Gar. Shot in the throat with an electric dart

Gar: A gay Emo dude, turns out to not be gay but is shot by Serendipity

Brock: The Producer of the show He’s into some weird bondage shit Gets his head crushed with a T.V.

Isabel: A Spanish lady who works on a reality T.V. show, survives

Mei-Ling: A Chinese woman who is part o’ the reality show. Killed with electric darts.

Bogey: The caretaker of the place where the show takes place What? ? He survives??

Plot:
Well....... alright, you see there’s this rather boring reality T.V. show called umm, wait a second There was no name for the show Weird... Well anyways seven different people have to stay in the same house for three months, and one of them turns out to be a killer Who Can Stop The Killer? Who Will Survive? Why did I watch this?

Review:
Well what a waste of fucking money This is a horribly boring bloodless “slasher” movie with very little going for it. Lets start out with the positives, well the acting isn’t horrible and it is a newish twist to the “slasher” genre and that’s about it....

Now, on to the negatives, damn, well it dos’nt even feel like a horror movie do to the fact that there is no gore and all the killings are done with a fucking electrical dart gun Everyone of these characters are easily hated and white trash pieces of shit The directing is pretty stupid and rather felt like a wanna be home movie. The acting is pretty bad as well as good, with there being only one actual professional actor, the rest seemed high for most of the movie It is incredible stupid and boring and the actors looked very uncomfortable with the parts they were given.

I would never recommend this unless you run out of sleeping pills and need a substitute. This is a waste of time and money, so do your selves a favor and burn any copy of this film now

Gore:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No.........

Bodycount:7

Rating: 1/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Carnation Killer

2008-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

Carnation Killer

Characters:

Julie: The Main Character, pretty fucking stupid haha, likes to call everything corny.... tries to steal 40,000.000$ with her boyfriend, Strangled.

Michael Graves: Thus business dude who losese his money

The Killer:uhhhhhhh yeah read the fucking name

Peter: An accountant, who tries to steal alotta money with his girlfriend, head crushed with a suitcase

Yup only four main characters

Plot:
Uhhhh...... well this dude likes to strangle women was recently caught, but escapes in a car accident and ends up terrorizing a young woman and her boyfriend and accidentally foils there plan to become rich by stealing stuff.... Yup, thats about the whole “Movie” for ya

Review:
Wow, this was one stupid movie I mean I guess there’s a reason for why no one has ever heard of it Hell it really does not even feel like a horror movie More like a old, British version of CSI except more boring, and NO violence or good actors.... or directing for that matter Aww shit I’m not even going into the directing, I mean the movie would not be half as bad if the director wouldn’t use lots of cheap pannings and zooming and all that wierdness I mean this makes Ulli Lommell look like a capable director And thats stretching it And We got the fact that the fucking plot is more like a “slightly” violent version of Scooby Doo I could see Shaggy going “we caught him Aww shit he killed Velma ” haha Yes I was picturing that in my mind during this shit flick Damn is there anything good about it? Well there is the fact that....oh wait that was a daydream... absolutly nothing mildly entertaining about it This movie is no worth the month o’ your time that you will probabaly spend trying to find this waste of time But if ya dp get the chance to watch it, you might as well just say I’ve seen a rare movie

Gore:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...nothing at all

.

T&A:
Nothing, I told you this move has absolutely
Nothing going for it

Bodycount: 5.....yup it really is that pathetic

Overall: 0.5/5
Only worth watching just to say you did

The Tripper

2008-03-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

The Tripper

Characters:

Samantha: Our main Character, wont do drugs, even if all, and I mean every single one of her friends do them, damn she’s crazy, survives.

Ivan: Samantha’s current boyfriend, yes he is also a druggie. Axed to death.

Buzz Hall: the worlds only good police chief First police man to ever survive

Jimmy: Samantha’s Ex boyfriend who likes to stalk her and beat her, why? Because she used to do drugs How stupid is that ? I’m friends with tons of druggies Axed to death.

Frank: A greedy little fella’ makes good money off of drugged out hippies, love to say “Fuck you”, killed with chainsaw.

Joey: A greasy, cool, druggie and hippie, he’s funny, loves violence, gets his arm chopped off.

Linda: Joey’s girlfriend....and a druggie Stabbed to death.

Jack: another cool druggie, except he’s afraid of dogs, likes gore, found dead. Same with his crack addicted girlfriend.

Dillon: a old crazy guy who is old and crazy, and he grows pot in his backyard, falls in a pit trap and is impaled on a piece of wood.

Three Rednecks: yup, they hate hippies, die in this order. neck snapped, axed to death, stabbed until his intestines fall out.

The Killer: Your average every day maniac, dresses up like Ronald Regan and kills people. That is until he gets shot, beaten with a hammer, and axed Somehow still manages to survive

Plot:
There is a killer party where everyone is on drugs, except this year the party id really to die for. After a girl and her five friends go to the party and get drugged, they are stalked and killed off one by one. Who is the killer? What does he smell like? Am I high?

Review:
Now this is a kick ass horror movie, or as I call it a “Stoner-Slasher”. Yes the first forty minutes or so is kinda boring, with nothing to look at but druggies, druggies, and more druggies, but once this movie gets going, Damn does it go This movie has it all Fun, cool characters I can relate to, some fun gore, and a good amount of nudity, as well as the nice budget Believe This could have been greater there was more gore and they cut out the nude Dude. Yeah I cant wait for it to come out of DVD

The Directing in this is great Really kick ass I mean its beautifully shot and very well done in general Also the acting is terrific, well except for a few minor peoples. Wow, if you are a slasher fan, or just a horror fan in general buy this, its worth the wait in the beginning

Gore:
A gory broken arm, a hand chopped off,
Some intestines, a severed head, a impalement,
A leg chopped off and some more

T&A:
Pretty good, except for the nude Dude, there was some,
Don’t watch if you don’t enjoy nudity

Bodycount: 27... Damn.

Rating: 4.5/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Silent Scream

2008-03-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

Silent Scream

Characters

Nicole: The Main girl, actually she's pretty bitchy, until the end, knows how to pull guns out of thin air. Strangled.

Mark: Nicole's Boyfriend, or ex, i never really got that part, likes to comment himself alot, Axed To Death.

Chloe: Nicole's best friend, probably a lesbian. Shot.

Carlo: The wierd guy of the group, needs a girlfriend, Drowned.

Brad: The Jock of the group except a little nicer, suffacated with plastic bags.

Steve: The Token Black dude, He has a really bad day, gets trapped in a car, then gets a knife thrown into his arm, then gets his head crushed

Marla: The Dumb Blonde, Brad's girlfriend, i like to call her, El Skanko Gets her eye pulled out then stabbed.

Derrick: The Nerd and trickster, or at least until he gets his throat slit

The Whole First Busload of people: You never even get to know most of there names before there all hacked to death

The Police Chief: Very slow even by my standards. Has a tire iron shoved down throat.

The Killer: Not a very nice person to be around, must not like blood because most of the victums are strangled or suffacated. Is Stabbed, Shot, Beaten, and Finally Run over.

Plot

Not much... A group of Teens are Having a party, what they dont know it that they are all being stalked by a misterious, and seemingly invincible killer. Soon everyone except for Mark is brutally hacked, burned, and torn apart. How Mark managed to not get killed, even though he was passed out form drinking in the middle of the cabin is beyond me Not much later another group of teens come up on the cabin to see if they missed last nights party. (I think) What i cant figure out is how a class of twenty or so people is sopposed to fit in a small cabin... What else i cant get is when the second group see Derrick and Steve's car on the side of the road but don't stop to see why the car is there Maybe there all just stupid Anyways the second group starts getting killed off in various non gory ways, starting with Carlo, who is drowned in a bathtub Now why would a empty cabin have a bathtub full of water in it? Lionsgate has really sunk low with this release Another thing i cant understand is when Marla is murdered why dosn't anyone hear her There where two people in the kitchen right below her This is a rather bad movie which becomes even worse with the horribly stupid ending Don't watch this unless your really bored Not worth the money to rent/buy this

Gore:

Not a whole lot. We get a axe in the head, a eye pulled out,
a woman has her legs ripped off, and a tire iron through the head

T&A:
Once again, not alot, only two brief tit shots. Relatively safe to watch with a girlfriend.

BodyCount: 16
Thats pretty good for a slasher.

Final Rating: My over all rating is 2 1/2.
Not bad enought to be a 2 but not good enough for a 3.

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Gut Pile

2008-03-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

Gut Pile:

Characters:

Dan: A man who likes to go hunting, and after a hunting accident last year decides to bring his friends to this years hunt.

Bob: Probably the weirdest dude I've ever seen, he has a stupid beard and likes to cook and might be gay... gets dismembered...

Mike: A rather mean dude, very sarcastic, often found looking at Penthouse magazines instead of helping, crashes his car and is found gutted.

The Scarecrow: Actually it's the undead spirit of the hunter dressed up as a scarecrow, gets a couple of holes blown into him with a shotgun, yes bullets are surprisingly effective against a SPIRIT!

Plot:
During a hunting trip a young man accidentally kills a fellow hunter. Not wanting to go to jail he buries the man and leaves. One year later Dan brings his two friends Bob and Mike to go hunting, unaware that the hunter's spirit is after them, dressed as a scarecrow.

Review:
Wow, I'm surprised by this movie. I mean look at it's budget and the horrible camera they used to make the film. I surprised it was as good as it was! I came into this movie thinking it was a low budget slasher, I was wrong, The best way to describe this film would be....umm...think Evil Dead but with a lower budget bad gore effects and worse actors, and well thats pretty much how the film turned out. But honestly many people would hate this movie, it really is no more than a blatant Evil Dead rip off with out a good camera, I mean it looks it was sot on video for shame! Our director tries to make the film artsy, and well it's works some of the time, other times it leaves you disorientated and confused. I really can't write too much for this film though, its only 51 minutes long and thats including the opening and ending credits! The funny thing is I thought I was going to hate this when it started, I mean it I saw the opening credits say "A Sub Rose film" and followed by "Marketed By: Shoestring Films" I really thought it was going to suck! But luckily I continued to watch it to find that the hidden gem , Sub Rosa Films, I forgive you for releasing Razorteeth.

The directing as I've mentioned above is pretty good for the budget, but Jerry O'Sullivan seems to have tried to make this artsy, which in my opinion was not a very good idea. Now for the acting.... well... it sucked, it right out reeked of Theater Group acting, and thats not a good thing! But then again they didn't have the best of scripts in this. Overall I guess o can recommend this to any hardcore fan of the Evil Dead series or anyone who doesn't mind seeing a short, campy, cheesy slasher flick.

Gore:
A gory dead body, a dismemberment, a gory severed head, some guts,the effects are fairly bad though.

T&A:
Actually I think there was only one female actress in the movie, No.

Bodycount:4 (too low)

Final Rating: 3/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Safty In Numbers

2008-03-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Safety In Numbers

Characters:

Jennifer: Our main character,

Nigel: A whiney rich little bastard, and very paranoid, gets caught in a trap and dies.

Lisa: A pregnant Asian woman, goes out looking to find her boyfriend and gets brained on a rock.

Matt: Lisa’s boyfriend, seems to honestly care more about his surf board then anything else. Hit in the head with something, he died from whatever it was.

Joe: I thought this here dud was a gonna live, he suffered the most, falls off a cliff, impales his leg on a spear, and is killed with a arrow while trying to lure the killer into a trap.

Carol: Has a thing for Nigel for some weird ass reason, she looks and acts like Aussie white trash Killed offscreen.

Wesley: The killer, this man went from a grade A pussy to like a fuckin’ NAVY Seal, and I guess it was for the better, all he did was kill some god awfully annoying people.

Plot:
Six past contestants of a reality show along the lines of Survivor are brought back to the island they competed on for a reunion party. But everything goes wrong when they show up to find the island deserted and lose their boat. They soon start to realize that there is an uninvited guest, a guest an axe to grind with murder on the mind

Review:
Now, I’ve read a ton of horrible reviews and one, yes ONE semi-positive review for the Australian slasher flick and I’m afraid to say that I agree with the negative reviews a lot more than anything else You see this film probably would’ve been Pg-13 if not for the swearing in it, and thats a huge problem, I mean hell, we don’t watch these movies for the original plot and the awesome acting, no we want to see gore, well this really just doesn’t deliver with well anything. I mean the acting is horrible from almost all of the actors with the exception of Jessica Napier, who plays Jennifer, damn the last movie I saw her in was Cut Ahh well, the weirdest thing about this movie and what’s probably the most shocking is that it looked very good technically, I mean the movie was shot in like Cinemascope and the directing is delightful and easy on the eyes Really there is not a lot to say about this movie, it is a plot hole ridden carcass of a film where not only are the plot holes very well noticeable but overly stupid ( I guess you could say “like all plot holes”). But I’m finding it harder and harder to give longer reviews to movies. Why? Because they are so fucking predictable and unoriginal Well, I’m going to wrap up this here review seeing as I’ve already gone through everything worth it. I guess I could recommend this to hardcore slasher fans and if your Australian then it’s like your duty to your island....ermm.... country to watch this, but otherwise count yourselves lucky and skip it

Gore:
A stick through ones leg, a non gory arrow in the stomach, a goreless severed arm and well, thats about it, not a lot at all.

T&A:
Nope.

Bodycount:10

Final Rating: 2/5 (only got that high for the directing)

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Blackwoods

2008-03-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

Blackwoods

Director: Uwe Boll

Tagline: Tried, Convicted, HUNTED!

Rated: R (for violence, language and sexuality)

Characters:

Matt: Our main character, after he accidentally hits a girl with a car he simply goes mad, and starts imagining the craziest things ever! Say’s hello to a speeding 18 wheeler.

Dawn: Matt’s girlfriend, A bit weird herself, can’t really go into further detail without giving away some of the plot twists though.

Jim: Matt’s roommate, seems to be the only person Matt can trust at times, found stabbed to death.

The Sheriff: A nice enough man, seems to know Matt from somewhere, aww shit, can’t say more without giving plot twists either!

The Waitress: As unexpected as this may be she plays a pretty major part in the movie, she finds Matt as weird, I can’t disagree with her either.

Plot:
A young man accidentally kills a girl in a horrible car wreck. A few years later he’s forgotten all about the past and life seems to be taking a turn for the better. He lives in a nice apartment with his roommate Jim, he has a pretty girlfriend and people in general seem to like him well enough.
But this all ends suddenly when he and Dawn (his girlfriend) decide to go on a road trip to meet Dawn’s family and after a jarring turn of events he is chased by a family insane with grief. He then realizes that maybe he should’ve taken a better look at the past, as it seems to be taking a better look at him!

Review:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Uwe Boll! I am surprised as hell to see this turned out to be pretty good. I always told everyone the Uwe was NOT a bad director and this he’s proved me right! This is by no means a horror movie, and it’s a lot different than what the back of the cover says, it’s less of a revenge flick and much more of a head trip to Boll land. I mean, I really didn’t see the twist coming, it surprised the hell outta me! Really, it did! Now this may just be because I’ve yet to see a different movie with the same twist. Uwe shows that he can be a good director, just like I always said he was (NOT sarcasm, I really defend the dude). There are some scenes that are simply beautiful to look at (the scene with the flare flying through the woods via flare gun) and some scenes that are very...well outright amateurish (when the camera goes in like stop motion and blurs the actors). Now this is going to be a very short review because anything I say might give away the plot, so if you’ve already seen this and are just mildly irritated that I don’t go into more detail about the plot, I am sorry! The acting is good for the most part, except fr the occasional over acting brought to us by Patrick Muldoon. Now if only Uwe himself could read this and know that he has an honest fan of his work. But here’s a tip man. You gotta stop with these based on video game movies, I’m sorry but there’s only so many video games worth making into movies these days! I guess readers will also be glad to know that this is one of his only films that is NOT based on a video game either! I can recommend his to fans of thrillers and anyone who wants to take a headlong trip to Boll land!

Gore:
A gory dead body and some blood, disappointing.

T&A:
Just an offscreen sex scene and some dead dudes ass, so pretty much, NO!

Bodycount: 5

Final Rating: 3.5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Grizzly Park

2008-03-01T13:59:00.000-08:00

Grizzly Park:

Director: Tom Skull

Characters:

Ranger Bob: Yes, the main character, and the only survivor. Seems he trained the bear and it eats everyone, at least it was a cool movie until that twist, at least it was a unseeable one...

Brian: The rick kid, really annoying and I don’t like him. Lucky for me he gets ripped up, and has both his arms torn off!

Ty: The token black guy, stole money from old people, gets caught in a hunting trap and is eaten by a bear.

Lola: A Latino girl who was caught during a drug raid, no she was not using the drugs though. One of the only likeable characters in the movie, sad to say she doesn’t make it all the way through.

Candy: No, I won’t say anything, just annoying!

Patrick: Got caught impersonating a cop, dresses up as a bear to scare people and ends up with half a head!

Kiki: A Asian chick who poisoned her mom, decides to take a short cut and ends up being eaten by wolves.

Bebe: An annoying stupid chick, at least until you see the gay twist. Gets an implant ripped out, yes, I’m serious.

Michael: The white trash guy, he pretends to be racist but really isn’t, and as unusual as it is he becomes one of the few likeable characters in this movie. He is sadly, eaten.

Plot:
A group of young delinquents are serving community service by helping to clean up a park. But little to they know that the park is more dangerous then ever imagined, with escaped serial killers, killer wolves and a huge ass kicking grizzly bear! Will anyone survive this bloodbath?

Review:
I’m surprised!
This went from a mildly boring movie to a crazy and entertaining creature feature! I’ve heard very little about this movie so I had no expectations and that might be why I liked it so much. It’s got different characters, not the usual stereotypical dusche bags. It’s got some great atmosphere and some nicely done gore. Actually, I thought it was a little funny that the movie had a lot of actual gore but very little blood and on top of that only three on screen deaths and only one of them is caused by the bear! Some of the deaths surprised me because the few characters that I found likeable were killed off way before the people I really hated! The movie looks like it had a nice big budget and I really appreciate that because the last two killer bear movies (Grizzly Rage and Savage Planet) looked like they had no budget at all, so that helps. But a mild warning to you, the plot twist at the end is rather weird and hard to understand, to be honest I’m still trying to work it out...

The directing is very stylist and well done. With good camera angles, nice crane work and some vibrant color contrasts, Tom Skull really outdid himself and I can’t wait to see what he comes up with next! The acting is good for the most part, a few forced dialogue but for the most part very average. I’d recommend this to anyone who enjoys the occasional creature feature or at least the first GOOD killer bear movie since the 80's, check it out, you will not be disappointed!

Gore: A chunk of a head, a head ripped in half, a person ripped in half, a ripped out implant, some severed limbs, and some more! Good stuff!

T&A:
Nope.

Bodycount:8

Final Rating: 3.5/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Shapeshifter

2007-11-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

Characters:

Jenny: Our main character, an EX marine who works as a jail guard and the occasional Russian Mafia Killer.....

Marco: A guy who is part of the Russian Mafia, the shapeshifter is out to get him Shapeshifter sticks his hand through him.

Tyrese: A dude who’s in jail and is annoying as hell. Too bad he didn’t die...

Jimmy: The only white - American guy in jail haha! Gets iron poles through his stomach

Mohammed: A Muslim dude who is stabbed to death by Marco.

Lennard: A big strong, scary lookin’ dude who is real fuckin’ stupid, quite literally has no balls, and has his head crushed by Shapeshifter.

Volku: A guy who is killed by our lovely Shapeshifter...

Eddie: A rather bad actor.....I mean cop.... yeah, cop.... who gets his throat bitten open then is eaten by the Shapeshifter !

The Shapeshifter: Yup, a big hairy demon thing who likes to run around helping the Russian Mafia! Killed in a gas chamber!

Plot:
Umm, well you see, this old Prison is closing and the few remaining people there are now under attack by a big hairy, beastly creature/demon thing that was sent by the Russian Mafia to break one of there fellow Russian’s out Alright, y’all done laughing yet??

Review:
Well not to much to say here, this is simply put a slightly less than average killer monster movie but with some added gore to help make things easier to swallow. Which means that there is alotta gore in here as the Shapeshifter eats everything it can touch The gore is cool to look at for the most part, mostly alotta intestines and blood splatter, the creature would look awesome...... if the f*cking horns on its head would stop f*cking wiggling like it was made out of rubber...wink wink.

The directing is probably one of the only good things about this movie, because it really makes the movie’s budget look a lot higher than it was! The acting is for the most part, laughably bad and awkward, with all the actors doing so bad you just really want them to die.

There really isn’t all to much left to say about this movie, it’s a below average monster movie with gore and really bad rap....... so if you like Scifi Channel originals it might be worth the rent.

Gore:
a guy torn in half, a bit open throat, some guts, a dude ripped in half, a iron pole through one’s stomach, a crushed head, and a lot of blood splatter.

Bodycount: 11

Rating: 2/5

Reviewed by: Ian Berling

Reign Of The Gargoyles

2007-11-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Characters:

Ace: Our main dude one of the Military’s top gunners,

Major Gus: Errm the major, kinda old though, poor dudes whole family died in a bombing, sadly shot to death by Germans.

Major Kim: Haha he has a woman’s name oh, and he’s British, ripped in half by gargoyles.

Duncan: Another British guy, he’s a survivor.

Jake: One of the plane crash survivors, at first I thought they were calling him Chick, but nope its Jake, actually manages to survive even though he was mercilessly beaten and hit with things, including large stones and barrels.

Brack: A British solder who likes blowing stuff up, head cracked open by a falling rock.

Will: not much to know about him, dies when plane crashes.

Nash: A gunner for the plane, is severely wounded by a gargoyle, eaten.

Subject: what a weird nickname, huh, the plane’s navigator. Eaten

Some Other People: Bunch of other people who are characters but there names are never mentioned all die, either shot or eaten.

The Gargoyles: Evil demons who are resurrected to win world war 2 for the Germans, they lose control and now roam free killing everything that movies, for some reason they turn into dust when killed.

Plot:
During War World 2 a group of occultist Nazis try to end the world by resurrecting gargoyles to attack the U.S. but unfortunately for them, they cant control them and the gargoyles get loose and attack the German countryside.

Review:
Well as you can tell the plot sounds pretty original, which it is. But sadly originality cant save a movie... but then again this movie was pretty good by its self. Yes I am not afraid to admit that I really do enjoy Scifi Original movies, and this is one of the better ones, a hell of a lot better Alien Express ever was! The movies plot goes a lot like Primeval, you actually it felt like Primeval but with lots of Gargoyles and it takes place in WWII, except this time I felt it actually worked. Yet as the saying goes, for every good there is an evi.l Yet for this movie the only bad thing is the title Creatures, they do look very fake and CGI, and they don’t really kill off a lot of people, most of the characters are killed off in the war, which means that there is indeed very little gore to be found in this movie.

Now this actually took me by surprise, the Directing is actually pretty good! It looks pretty damn professional! Same with the acting I was rightfully surprised by this as the acting is pretty professional except for a very few people, and they didn’t even have big roles. So yes I was taken by surprise by this weird newish movie, if you liked Primeval or creature Features in general I would Advise you to watch this soon.

Gore:
Now this was a bit of a letdown,
The only gore is a slit throat and some brief blood
Splatter.

‘
T&A:
Nope

Bodycount: 43!!

Overall Rating 4/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Megasnake

2007-11-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

Characters:

Lester: Main character, go figure he hates snakes haha, drives ambulances for a living..

Erin: Lester’s girlfriend who wants marriage for some reason, is a park ranger.

Fae: Lester’s partner who is kinda skanky, gets eaten by MEGASNAKE.

The Indian Guy: He’s a main character, and I know they say his name, but I cant remember it haha.

Big Bo: The dumb redneck sheriff who is Erin’s partner. Bleeds To death after getting his arm ripped open by the MEGASNAKE.

Ralph: Stupid guy who is Lester’s brother. Accidentally unleashes MEGASNAKE! Eaten.

Patterson and Ernie: Two dumb, greasy, redneck brothers who really, really like guns! Die in this order, Patterson is eaten, and Ernie has his head crushed, all by MEGASNAKE.

Megasnake: This giant evil snake that grows like hell and likes to eat people. Has stomach sliced open by Lester.

Plot:
Here we go... Alright, there’s a old Indian legend that a giant snake who’s name I have yet to spell right, so I call it megasnake Well anyways the legend turns out to be true and megasnake comes back to life and starts eating rednecks How can the snake be stopped? Why does it eat greasy people? (I heard they tasted like Burger King) Why did I like this movie?

Review:
Well as you all can tell this sounds like every other killer (Place Name Of Animal Here) movie, and well it is, but Damn does this snake look f*cking awesome or what? And the fact that it stars out small and grows while it eats is pretty damn cool The snake mainly swallows people whole so the movie isn’t all to gory but it is pretty cool, and VERY predicable, but at least it was fun, right?

The directing is very ordinary nothing real bad but nothing out of the ordinary. The acting is kinda shitty, with the exception of like the four main characters Sorry there’s not to much of a review here, the movie is just too unoriginal Watch it if ya like killer snakes, or just stupid creature features in general

Gore:
Some gory dead sheep, a ripped up arm,
A cool crushed head, and a decapitation.
Not enough, but it could be worse.

T&A:
None, what did ya
Suspect? A porno??

Bodycount: 20

Overall Rating: 3/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Lake Placid 2

2007-11-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Characters:

Sheriff Riley: the local Sheriff of the town, does not take missing persons reports very seriously, or old people for that matter...

Scott: Sheriff Riley’s son who lives in boston and goes to Maine for the summer... poor dude...

Emma: The sheriffs EX wife, who works for the Fishing and Wildlife department, a survivor!

Kerry: A local on the lake, who, seems way to clean to be living in Maine, Falls for Scott, and lives!

Strutters: A hunter who is out to kill the crocs, decapitated by crocs.

Ahmad: A man who owes his life to Strutters after he saved him from a evil lion, killed by croc.

Thad: A serious hick who is very, very unclean and apparently very rich, an extreme hick, and dumbass, going out with Kerry, well at least he was until he get

Rachel: Holy shit, what the f*ck is wrong with this stupid *ss b*tch? She’s a stupid sk*nky bad actress who is rich and bitchy Damn do I wish her self centered soul to hell! Thank god she gets eaten.

Larry: Stupid guy who is also a bad actor, for some very weird reason goes out with Rachel, eaten.

Crazy Sady: A crazy old lady who lives alone on the lake, likes to feed people to three alligators who live on the lake, eaten.

Frank: The local hippie, and apparently everyone thinks he’s a stoner, Redefines the words “Bad Acting” before he gets eaten by a crocodile.

Dale: The Sheriff’s Deputy, apparently he’s got something against stoners and hippies. Gets his arm ripped off by a crocodile.

Tillman: Frank’s fellow bad actor... errm wait, I think I mean hippie who gets dismembered by large crocodiles who live in Maine.

Max, George Bush JR, and Martha Stuart: Yes These are the names of the three crocodiles... stop laughing I'm serious!!! I never knew crocodiles lived in Maine though...

Plot:
People start disappearing on a small lake in Maine, and as the story goes Three crocodile are the cause of the disappearances. Well the local Sheriff teams up with a hippie, his Ex wife and two hunters to take them out. A party is going on at the lake, which very well could mean a hillbilly Buffet! Can the sheriff save the partygoers? Can he kill the crocodiles? Will I ever get good internet connection?

Review:
The best way to describe this movie is would be calling it a Horror-Comedy which isn’t that funny. This movie actually only has three things in common with Lake Placid. First: it takes place in Maine. Second: there are multiple killer crocodiles in it. And third: there are crazy old ladies in both (even if the one in the First one is much more entertaining). There is really not that much to say about this movie, its unoriginal, its got some O.K. special effects, is kinda funny (there are only two scenes that actually made me laugh.), and for the most part its pretty entertaining.

The directing is really good. It looks like the movies entire budget was spent on the director as everything else was not to cool. The acting is for the most part truly Abysmal, with like three good actors and about 30 horrible actors, it looks like most of these actors were put in there for free as the acting really reeks. Sadly the movie was not very gory but all in all this was a pretty entertaining movie which like most movies, has many ups and many downs.

Gore:
A couple of severed limbs, a decapitation,
And a non gory severed head.

T&A:
It actually looks like there’s some but its
All cut out, seeing that it’s a made for T.V.
Movie.

Body Count: 9

Rating: 3/5
Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Halloween: Resurrection

2007-11-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

Characters:

Sarah: The main character, pretty wimpy haha, but survives...

Charlie: A Cameraman for the show, gets a cameras tripod impaled through his throat.

Jennifer: Sarah’s best friend, wants to be famous, a stoner, gets decapitated.

Freddie Harris: Busta Rhymes! The Producer of the show, loves old Kung Fu movies, stabbed but survives.

Jim: A music student who is in the reality show, skull crushed.

Bill: A rather man-wh*rish dude who gets pulled through a mirror then stabbed in the head.... poor Bill.

Rudy: An aspiring chef who joins the show, then impaled on a door with a big f*cking knife, then cooked, in a burning house.

Nora: Freddie’s girlfriend, hung with barbed wire.

Donna: Kinda Goth. woman, seems rather kinky At least until she gets impaled on a fence.

Laurie Strode: Michael’s sister, but ya probably already knew that....right? Survives seven movies, but today is not her lucky day stabbed then thrown off a building before the f*cking opening credits

Michael Myers: Yes, its him. Back to kill....again Poor dude, is beaten with a shovel, hung, chainsawed, stabbed, electrocuted, and burnt, but he wont f*cking die!

Plot:
Michael Myers kills off his sister, Laurie. While a TV producer, Freddie sets up a reality TV show at Mike’s childhood home, but the contestants get more than they asked for when Michael shows up and one by one kills off the cast and crew, Can anyone survive? Will Mike live to kill once more? How many damned sequels will there be?

Review:
This is, to date the 8th Halloween movie (Not including the remake) What’s any different with this one? Well its more of a teen slasher than the other ones, and its not as gory as some of them. But don’t get me wrong, there is some gore but just not a lot. The cool things about this movie is that it has a really fast pace, which means theres a pretty good bodycount and I was rarely bored during it, and if I’m rarely bored, your rarely bored Michael still has a air of fear around him as he stalks and kills off the cast and crew of the TV show. The movie can get very suspenseful at moments. But for the most part it is an above average teen slasher movie and not much more, except for the fact that it decides it kill off long time survivor Laurie Strode in a rather gruesome and quick scene.

Now the directing is pretty good for the most part, there are a couple of scenes that annoyed the hell outta me, mostly when it tried to use the webcams though. The acting is above average, and believe it or not but rapper Busta Rhymes apparently knows how to act, a hell of a lot better than his music at least, all though that’s not saying too much, for you fans of him reading this, don’t yell at me, he’s a cool dude just not a good musician I would watch this movie if you are a horror fan (of any sub-genre) or a slasher fan, no its not perfect, but its pretty damn good

Gore:
A headless body, a thing through one’s throat,
A knife in the head, a impalement, a decapitation,
And a lot of bloody stabbing

T&A:
Well there is a sex scene, but its pretty quick,
And you don’t see any nudity.

Bodycount: 12

Overall rating: 4/5

Reviewed By: Ian Berling

Blood Feast 2 :All U Can Eat

2007-11-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat

Characters:

Faud Remises The 3rd : The main character, his grampa killed lots of people and ate them Oh and he runs a family owned catering business. Shot to death

Detective Loomis: Myers’s partner, always eating I’m not exaggerating either Acts a bit like myself.

Detective Myers: The anti Faud Remises The 3rd guy who apparently hates him ‘cause his Grampa ate his dad...... Yup, its gonna be a looong movie Head crushed by giant falling statues.

Trixie: Faud’s girlfriend, gets her throat slit.

Tiffany: A girl who’s having a wedding but falls for Faud Remises The 3rd instead, ends up going out with Detective Loomis.

Mr. And Mrs. Lamply: Tiffany’s parents, ones a nerd and the other is a bitchy spoiled woman, guess which is which, Nah really? Die in this order, stabbed, and eyes gouged out.

Bambi Deere, Misty Morning, Lacy Undies, Trixi Treater, Candy Grahm, and Brandi Alexander: the bridesmaids and all lesbians, and all are killed off in VERY gory ways

Plot:
Faud Ramses III , the grandson of Blood Feast's protagonist, moves into his granddad's catering shop. It isn't long before Faud proves to be a chip off the old block, as he lures buxom young women into his lair and carves them up for sandwiches. Will the girls survive? Will Anyone survive ? ? Will I ever watch a good movie?

Review:
Holy Sh*t This movie is great This is the sequel to the cult classic gore film Blood Feast, and I actually belive its better than the first By a f*cking long shot This movie is so very amazingly gory that its just kinda wrong, but its also so damned funny that many times you will question your sanity, after laughing at the many failed murder attempts. And damn is this movie cheesy or what

Here’s a couple of my favorite lines

“Lightening never strikes in the same place twice.... Except For Wisconsin”

“Ouch My Fingers, I swear I’m gonna kill that woman”

“We’re gonna go get some tacos.”
“But What about the sex offenders?”
“ I Need My F*cking Tacos ”

“They just found a woman’s body”
“Aww, sh*t, can we still stop for donuts?”

If you don’t call that cheesy, funny entertainment at its best, I don’t know what the fuck ya would It’s so satisfying, its got everything Gore, cheesy jokes, parodies of lesbian bridesmaids, and gore But now on to something else

The directing here is only average, but actually its not, it was pretty damn good also, Hell, the only bad thing was the acting And yes the acting did suck horribly and yes all the actors were more than likely extremely high while making this film, but it just adds to the cheesy 80's feel this movie has I don’t care who the f*ck you are, this movie is f*cking brilliant If you call yourself a horror fan this is a must, if not stick to your gay PG-13 ghost movies

Gore:
Some intestines, a ripped open throat, a hand through a meat grinder, some very gory guts, brains Pulled out of ones ear , a knife through the stomach, really gory eyes pulled out with a spoon , a Tongue pulled out, a decapitation, some gory brains, a face peeled off, a slit throat, a crushed Head, eyes gouged out, not to mention the extreme amounts of blood squirting every where And Some really gory dead bodies.

T&A:
Well actually while there is a lot of it, it is
Mostly for comedy and making fun of lesbians,
So yeah there is a lot here

Bodycount: 10

Overall Rating: 4.5/5
Almost perfect but.......

Review By: Ian Berling

Alien Express

2007-11-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

Alien Express

Characters:

Vick: The Main Character, really likes guns, and really hates aliens, put the two together and to get.... The movies Plot

Rosie: Vicks Ex Wife, A journalist for the senator, does a very bad job helping the senator, also survives.

Ralph: A very cool dude, Vick’s police partner, knows how to drive a helicopter, dies when his helicopter explodes. Poor dude...

Frank Rollings: A very fat Senator who is trying to run for president, he’s lucky it’s not meant literally, as he reminds me of the Pillsbury Duoghboy Eaten by like four of our friendly aliens.

Paul: A very, very horny/evil dude who is trying very hard to get in Rosie’s pants, the worlds biggest fucking wimp Gets eaten.

Phil Lawrence: A old army friend of Pillsbury (Frank), always wears army gear, another lucky survivor

Sam: a worker for the train, who is very nervous about everything, unbelievably survives

Charley: The conductor Of The Train, likes cracking really bad jokes and drinking, has acid splattered all over his face

Robert and Peter: The senators two bodyguards Robert has his chest pulled open, while Peter gets shot then eaten

Rus: A very weird man who cares so much for the environment he tries to kill the senator, Quite possibly gay, blows himself up

Jena: A woman who tries to help Vick by phone.

Scotty: Works for the train, lasts about 10 minutes before getting his face sprayed with acid Then his body is found with his stomach pulled open, not his lucky day, poor Scotty.

The Aliens: Our Friendly, green, small, acid spitting bastards, who hate people, look like a cross between a dog and paper mache`. When killed turn into blue gas

Plot:
Well not to much here, a alien accidently manages to get to earth and hide in a train that’s being taken to Las Vegas from god knows where. Well the alien multiplies and soon a little horde of these Bad Ass alien things are picking off the passengers and crew How will they stop them? What can go wrong? Why do I only have 2 subscribers to my blog?

Review:
Well, the movie starts off with some very cheap “Special” effects in outer space where the bad CGI meteor flies towards a bad CGI Earth in a amazingly Bad CGI scene The meteor hits the ground and kills two people before our alien bastard escapes and plays stowaway in a train that is taking the soon to be president to Las Vegas From there our alien starts killing off very stupid people and hatching eggs inside the bodies. Sooner than you’ll realize at least 10 of these buggers are going around trying to eat and kill as many people (and Lou Diamond Phillips) in a small cramped train. Oh and the train has 58 minutes to stop before they either blow up another train or go over a big cliff, so as you can tell life isn’t going too well for the passengers who are forced to kill the aliens (which turn into blue smoke when killed) in order to survive Well naturally something has to go wrong and people start flipping out on each other

The directing feels very amateurish and plain, but it is a Scifi channel original movie, so wadda you expect? The acting is actually pretty good, with the obvious exception of a couple of background characters. The Special Effects range from “Pretty Cool” to “Christ, That Was Supposed To Be Real”. I feel like I am going a little harsh on this movie as there are a couple of great scenes, but sadly those scenes are far apart and usually pretty quick. So I say, give this a chance if your into scifi/horror stuff and creature features. If not try to skip this one as there is just not enough going for it

Gore:
A gory severed hand, a opened chest, and
A bunch of gory dead bodies... needed a little more gore.

T&A:
None

Bodycount: 13

Rating 2/5

Reviewed By : Ian Berling

(Sorry For The Lack Of Pictures)

Absolute Zero

2007-11-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

Absolute Zero

Characters:

David: The Good Guy, head scientist who’s trying to figure out why florida is freezing over.

Brenda: David’s ex, married to Jeff, never swears.

Sophie: Jeff and Brenda’s daughter, really annoying.

Dr. Veet: a greedy little bastard, dose not seem to realize Miami is completely Frozen over and everyone in the State of Florida is Dead Freezes to death.

Jeff: A local Professor, married David’s ex wife, dies when his car flips over.

Philip: A Grad Student who is a big fan of David’s work , a very large nerd, falls to his Death.

A.J.: Another Grad Student who is actually smart, and cool, actually survives

Harchel: David’s friend who is doing research in Antarctica, Kinda looks like a skinny Santa. Freezes to death.

Dempsey: Head Scientist, an asshole, has a funny name, freezes to death.

The Whole Antarctic Base: Everyone Freezes To Death

The State Of Florida: Freezes To Death It really Makes No Sense

Plot:
After A Group of Scientists and Grad Students Find out the truth about the ice age being caused by Earth’s Polarity, it happens Again After Freezing Florida, and turning Canada and Siberia into deserts. All hope seems lost, will our group survive? Will They Be Found? Does anyone Read my Reviews? Two of these questions will be answered One will not.

Review:
Wow The creators of this film must really hate Florida Well anyways this is one weird movie You see, this group containing Two actual Scientists, two Grad Students, and a elementary School teacher believe the Earths Polarity system is going to cause the next ice age. You See in they have four hours to warn people 30 miles north and south of the Equator before it freezes over into the next ice age due to the shifting Polarity systems. As you can tell the plot is ridiculous and stupid yet strangely enough makes sense.
This movie Greatly Suffers from The occasionally horrid acting and some truly Horrible special effects. The Directing is pretty average, nothing out of the ordinary here. Absolute Zero is nothing more than a forgettable, made for T.V. Disaster Flick. Watch it if you into disaster films but if not it’s really not worth it unless its on T.V.

Gore:
Nothing unless you a cool looking Frozen Skeleton.

T&A
None.

Bodycount: The State Of Florida.

Rating: 2.5/5

Review By: Ian Berling